Thursday, January 17, 2013

Dear Ex-Romeo

Dear Ex-Romeo,

I dated you for a 15 months which to date has been the longest relationship of my life. It is only by my own merit that I'm in a stable, loving relationship now with someone who cares about me and doesn't treat me like shit. Yeah, NO THANKS TO YOU. 

I was messed up after we (actually, you - but we both knew it was coming) broke up and once we were done, I had so many feelings. I was relieved and sad and heartbroken all at the same time. I was in pieces. Anxious pieces and I didn't know what to do.

I don't know. Maybe I've always had anxiety. Probably. I wouldn't put it past my family life. But I've never had an anxiety attack before we started dating. I've never cried so much in all my life as when we were dating. I never knew what it was like to feel like I was crazy and that it was MY FAULT before we were dating. So yeah, that was ALL YOU, my friend. I'd like to say a huge screw you for that.

Oh, I shouldn't be angry? Guess what. I've spent the last three years telling myself that it's okay, that we're fine and that I don't resent you. Actually, I do. I really really do. I told you I didn't hate you for your benefit so you wouldn't beat yourself up. Truth be told, I don't hate you. I have some unresolved emotions regarding how I feel about our relationship, but I don't hate you.

After we broke up, I thought that I should defend you but I soon realized that you didn't want to be vouched for. You liked being alone, and I realized that THAT wasn't my fault. We were never meant to be together because you just like solitude too much. Well, you'll probably die young because it's been proven that loneliness is just as harmful as physical pain and causes much stress. I don't want to you to die young, this is just a plea to get your goddamn life together oh and, GET A LIFE TO BEGIN WITH. 

I'm not trying to be mean. I'm just angry. I'm angry at you for being mean to me, even if you didn't mean to. I'm angry that I was mean to you and made you feel like shit sometimes. I'm angry that we played off each other and basically just mutally destroyed our relationship. I'm angry that I have trust issues and keep comparing my current boyfriend to you because I don't want him to be like you. I'm angry because I'm scared that he and I are going to end up like you and me. I'm angry because I hated that you didn't know how to deal with my anxiety better. I'm angry that you had your own issues. I'm angry that you're pretentious and think that you know everything and made me feel like I was an idiot and I'm angry that I NEVER WON AN ARGUMENT. I'm angry that you dropped out of school. I'm angry because your family is nice and I wish I was in contact with them more. I'm angry that I have regrets about our relationship. I'm angry that I got so mad that I hit you that one time and if I ever moved suddenly after that you cringed. I'm angry that I'm afraid that I'm going to turn into my dad and that didn't do anything. I'm angry that I couldn't control my anger better. I'm angry that you didn't know how to help me when I felt like nothing was ever going to get better. I'm angry that you made me cry. I'm angry that you are the most evil arguer ever and made me cry for an entire DAY. I'm also angry that I didn't get this out sooner.

I'm mad at myself for a lot of reasons. I'm mad that I hit you that one time and that I couldn't control myself. I'm sorry. I really am. I just got so frustrated that our relationship was failing and that I didn't feel good about myself and that you made me feel like crap. I just didn't know how to release my anger. I know that I'll always have to live with that. 

I know that I'm not totally blameless. I made you feel bad about some things, especially that time when you asked me if I wore a sports bra to the gym like some girls do, without a t-shirt over it and I said no, because I'm fat. I know I made you feel stupid and regret asking that question, and I'm sorry. That was mean of me to answer you in that way. I like to think that I'm a better communicator now. 

One of the biggest things I was angry about was that I blamed myself for our relationship ending. Was it anyone's fault? I want to blame you fully but I know I can't do that. I played a part in it too. It was freshman year, I just...didn't know what to do. I didn't know who I was, and it seems like you still don't know who you are. I can't believe you quit school. I hope you get it together someday man, I really do. I was learning who I was and dealing with anxiety and butterflies and crying almost every single day was too much for me. Every day it was something else and I felt like I was fighting an uphill battle. Every day I saw our relationship deteriorate more and more and no amount of talking would make that better. Eventually you and I slept with our backs facing each other on the bed and it was only in the early morning when we were half asleep that I'd try to snuggle up next to you to just get a touch and maybe a hope that we'd be ok if we just cuddled on the bed; that maybe things would go back to normal. 

Neither one of us wanted to be the first ones to break it off but I'm glad that you did. I wouldn't have and then I would have been unhappy. I don't even remember what we said that day to each other, only that you gave me a bag of m&m's that you got and it was wrapped in plastic with gold ribbon and you told me I needed it more than you did. You were right. I ate that chocolate and enjoyed it. I was tired of you getting mad at stupid things and trying to hide yourself from the world. I hate Pink Floyd. I think 4chan is stupid. I hate that you try to make yourself feel better by trolling on the internet and making fun of people for your own benefit. The only thing I really liked about you was your family and your dog. I missed the dog more than you, honestly.

All of this has been angry so far. I miss us laughing and laughing and I loved that we both agreed that british humor was by far the best. Our online conversations before we started dating were the highlight of my senior year, I hope you know that. You made me laugh, a lot. The first few months of us dating were good. It was nice to come over your house on summer afternoons and hang out and I liked all the Irish food that your mom made! I liked the family atmosphere of the house. I liked your hair, and the way your nose turns up at the end. 

Now that I think about it though, I know that we were never meant to be. I don't really miss aspects of our relationship because most of it was just self destructive. I loved hanging out at your house though, with your mom and sister and nikko. I just wish that it wasn't diluted with worry and anxiety most of the time. If I can't recall a good thing about our relationship, well - it probably wasn't good.

I hope that someday I'll be able to totally forgive you. It'll be hard. I hope that I eventually totally trust my current boyfriend. I hope that I'll overcome anxiety fully, and that you will too someday. I hope you finish your college degree and I really hope that you make some good friends. I know it sounds morbid, but I just have this image of you passing away someday and no one coming to your funeral. I hope that doesn't happen. I don't want it to happen, because no one deserves to die alone feeling like they aren't loved. I loved you, and I'm sorry if I ever hurt you or let you down in some way. I'm sorry if I ever caused you grief or pain or heartache. I hope you can forgive me, if you haven't already. I know you feel terribly about what happened and you know you didn't treat me well. I'll work on forgiving you, for real. I hope you stay well and that you are happy in your life. In some ways, I will always love you, although it's not romantic anymore. You were my first "real" boyfriend and for that, I thank you. It was definitely an experience and I don't think you ever really stop loving someone. I love you in the way that I care for your well-being and have hope your future and that it is better than your past. It will never be romantic and I will never wish that we could give it another try or that it were different. It is what it is, and here we are, living our seperate lives. Maybe I think about us more than you do. Is that weird? It's hard because I find that many of my issues from our relationship come up in my current one and I just wish that I could let it go

Maybe someday. 

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