Thursday, January 10, 2013

I picked you people over Tetris

Let me tell you, that's a sacrifice.

I've been having some anxiety issues lately. I do so well for a while and then when I'm at home over breaks I just get super anxious because I don't have enough to occupy my mind.

I've never been diagnosed with anxiety disorder, but I know I have at least some form of it, and I probably get some from my mom. I don't know if it's inherited or made socially, all I know is that my tummy gets all wibbly-wobbly and I think bad thoughts and I make a big thing out of little problems and issues from my past creep up.

It sucks. Majorly.

When I first started to get really anxious, I was in my senior year of high school into my freshman year of college. The guy I was dating at the time didn't react well to my anxiety since he had it as well and I don't think he intended to, but he made me feel like I was crazy and for a while, I thought I was. After he and I broke up, I seriously just wanted to go live in a convent with some nuns in the french mountains and never speak to boys again. I wish I were joking, but there were days when I seriously considered it. But day by day and year by year, I'm learning to live with it.

So yeah, this past week or few days have kind of sucked because literally everything has been making me anxious. I'm not really sure of the source of my anxiety, but I suppose it has something to do with not being in control and emphasizing the negative instead of the positive. It's also been hard at home, I think, where my mom doesn't look for a job and instead uses her trash mouth on online Backgammon. When I told her to be quieter for the third time today, she told me to shut up. So that was fun. 

Some days I just want to be like FUCK YOU ALL. I don't know, I'm not an angry person but I'm only human and have my limits to attitude, stupidity, and shallowness. 

I went over my friend's house today and she's a very sweet girl, but she doesn't question issues the way Tony and I do. Even though Tony questioning everything annoys the crap out of me sometimes (sorry darling), I never realized how much I appreciate it until I'm with someone who just...accepts things. 

Today my friend and I were talking about having kids. I always wanted to have kids, until I met Tony and he and I discussed what we would do. If we do decide to have children, we're going to adopt because in my opinion, every child should have a loving home. Also, I know it's cliche, but there really is an overpopulation of the planet. Tony would ask me why, why people feel the need to have children, what the point of it is, and so on and so forth and what basically happens is that he makes me question and then I can decide for myself. The questions are so legit though, that it makes my opinion change haha. 

But I was talking to my friend about this and I told her I had been questioning the reason behind kids, and she didn't get it. She thought I was talking about why couples have kids, which is part of it but I mean the really BIG WHY. And when I said that, she said I was overthinking things. I texted Tony about it, and he said that "people use the word overthink when they aren't doing any thinking." Honestly, I'm inclined to agree. Not that my friend isn't smart or doesn't think, but it seemed like the question of why was just too big for her to handle.

Am I really strange for being able to question? For being able to think outside the box? My mom told me to do it for years, I guess I am now.

Not to mention to top my fury off, we watched Miss Congeniality which was funny when I was 11 but now I think it's totally sexist and just...not good.

Whatever, you know? I'm done for the night.

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