Friday, August 23, 2013

~ 30 Day Blog Challenge - Day 3 - Emotional Scars ~

Hello, everybody. I knew I should have made a plan going into this challenge, because it can be hard to think of things to write on a whim. I decided today to write with my heart and to share what I've been thinking about today.

My ex. Now, don't jump to any hasty conclusions. He and I have been broken up for four years now, and yet the relationship still sticks with me. I have a very loving a supportive partner now, but it's still hard for me because my ex has such an influence on my current relationships.

We met my senior year of high school on one of the old Facebook apps, and as it turned out he was the cousin of a kid I knew in school. He made me laugh the first time we talked, and he got all of my movie references. We ended up going to college together after only a few months of dating. In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, but it was the place that we both got in to and I thought it'd be good. What I didn't know was that I suffered from anxiety until it came up in a big way my freshman year of college. That year was hell for me, absolute misery. I cried all the time and I didn't know when I would feel okay again. I had meltdowns all the time and my boyfriend at the time didn't know what to do with me or with himself, since he was also a
sufferer of anxiety in a social context. Finally in April of my freshman year, we broke up after dating for 15 months - a long time. I was very sad and I thought that we had a chance of getting back together. Finally I realized that he didn't want anyone to vouch for him, and I moved on. I'm over him, don't get me wrong, but it seems like either he or his family keep coming back into my life in some ways. 

I'm in contact with his sister occasionally, and I went over his house to see his mom and his family several months after we broke up. It was awkward, and he apologized to me for his behavior when we dated. I believe I saw him a second time when hanging out with his sister, but I can't really remember. And then he started to work at the same place I worked at, and in one very awkward day in May of 2012, we had to work together. It was pretty bad. Not that we aren't decent to each other, but it's just so awkward.  

Now there's an issue in his family that I talked to his sister about last week, and it just seems that his family will never get out of my life even though we don't see each other. I had a dream about him last night and in the dream he and I were really good friends, on great terms. It was like the friendship we had before we started dating. 

I woke up and I got frustrated because why, why can't I just get over it. We dated ages ago, and although I'm over him in a relationship/love context, I still have the emotional scars of when we were still dating. What will it take for me to move on, finally? I want to, I really do. I talked to Tony about it and he thinks it's just the lack of closure I have, and I agree. It seems like there's never closure in this case, and it can just get really frustrating. I'm tired of dreaming about him, about wishing that things had been different, and most importantly, I'm tired of bringing my anxiety issues into my current relationship because I'm scared that things between Tony and I will turn out the same way. 

Sigh.

There's always chocolate, right? 

Karen
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